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Chin-Wag: Barack Obama & The Dalai Lama

July 16, 2011

Today is the day. The location is the White House. Here is a conversation between two of the most recognisable people on the planet. What are they discussing? Not what you’d expect.

He rises from his seat as the doors to his office swing open.

Stood alone in the doorway is the Dalai Lama. The President of the United States shows no sign of apprehension.

They move like choreographed ballroom dancers, perfectly synchronised as they circle the room before deciding to take up their seats.

There is no difference in movement, all mannerisms identical, neither man leaving anything idiosyncratic to the interpretation of the other.

They are the only two people in the immediate vicinity.

The air is calm.

They sit. Words limber up in their minds and mouths and are now poised and ready to be exchanged.

Barack Obama: Dalai, you know why we’re here.

Dalai Lama: Of course.

Barack Obama: We were here exactly this time last year, Dalai. This exact time. Do you remember what you told me?

Dalai Lama: Yes.

Barack Obama: You told me Dalai….. and I have it all on file….. that Avram Grant would give West Ham the greatness of mid-table mediocrity.

Dalai Lama: Yes.

Barack Obama: You were wrong, Dalai. You could not have been any more wrong than that. Explain why you lied to me, Dalai.

Dalai Lama: There were things too great for you to understand that caused such a disaster.

Barack Obama: What things, Dalai?

Dalai Lama: The Unholy Trio. They cannot be tamed, Barack. They cannot be tamed…….. The enforcer will only grimace and is only ever seen with his king and queen or with his helicopter. The midget will converse only in Wibblish, a language no man ever dare speak. And She-who-must-not-be named will appear when you least expect. Thankfully, after years of cunning disguise i have convinced her that I am a man named Stephen, an old steward with a habit for calm and tranquillity. I cannot emphasise how much effort it has taken me, disguises so authentic that Millwall fans spit in my face.

Barack Obama: And you turn the other cheek?

Dalai Lama: Yes, Barack. I will always be The Dalai Lama even when wearing a goatee and an ill-fitting baseball cap.

Barack Obama: Dario Gradi with a goatee?

Dalai Lama: See you get me Barack…. I am forever neutral. I celebrate every goal that’s ever scored. I know nothing of support, only love and peace in the game……. I just want to see West Ham happy. For you, Barack.

Barack Obama: (nods knowingly) Big Sam will bring the club back to where it truly belongs?

Dalai Lama: It will take time but there is hope. But let me tell you, Barack. He is not the chosen one….. I do not have much time Barack. I am a busy man. I must tell you what will happen next season. My one prediction only.

Barack Obama: The one time you break your complete neutrality.

Dalai Lama: Yes…..never to be spoken outside of this moment.

Barack Obama: I believe in you Dalai but last year hurt. It hurt Dalai, it truly hurt.

Dalai Lama: I have explained why Barack. I cannot break them. You don’t understand their power.

Barack Obama: Go on Dalai. Tell me what will happen this year…

Dalai Lama: The ways will change, moments will be burned into memories forever, children will be born, Sir Alex Ferguson will insult referees………..and……… the umbrella of despair that has hung over his head in his homeland will be gone.

Barack Obama: You mean?

Dalai Lama: Yes. Steve McLaren will rise again.

Barack Obama: …Thank you Dalai….

Dalai Lama: Thank you Barack. We will meet again.

DISCLAIMER: please note the conversation noted above is entirely fictitious and are the creation of someone whose imagination has gone into overdrive and has gone perhaps a little too far with this idea. Any resemblance to any actual conversation is not intended and purely coincidental.

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