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Wikipedia Entry: The 2010-11 Incompetent Analysis Award

April 27, 2011

Here is the imagined Wikipedia entry for an award given to celebrate those who guide you through football on your television with only the finest clichéd analysis of the game.

The 2010-11 Gary Birtles Incompetent Analysis Award is the third edition of the (extremely un-) prestigious Incompetent Analysis Award which is an annual award given to the co-commentator who has been judged to be the most incompetent at analysis of the game of football. The award was won by Mark Bright.

Mark Bright: victorious in 2010-11


In the 2008-09 football season, the Incompetent Analysis Award was established albeit in purely brainstorm form and it has since been named as a tribute to the first winner of the award. Garry Birtles beat Jim Beglin to become the first reciprocant of the (low self-) esteemed title. Indeed, Garry Birtles also went on to win the award for a second time in 2009-10, beating off competition from the likes of previous runner-up Jim Beglin plus a colleague of his, Don Goodman and is looking to continue his dominance in the abject analysis stakes. When the award was renamed the Gary Birtles Incompetent Analysis Award, there was initial controversy suggesting the naming had been in error according to the spelling of Mr.Birtles’ first name. However, an organiser responded by saying “The award is named in tribute as opposed to being named after the first man to be victorious. We believe in the spirit of the award and what it really represents and with that in mind, this was 110% the right name to choose”.

Garry Birtles: legend of incompetence


Winner: Garry Birtles

Runner-Up: Jim Beglin

Winner: Garry Birtles

Runner-Up: Jim Beglin

Third Place: Don Goodman

Winner: Mark Bright

Runner-Up: Garry Birtles

Third Place: Kevin Phillips

Fourth Place:Chris Coleman


The Incompetent Analysis Award only applies to those men who fulfil the role of “colour commentator” or “analyst” depending on your preference. Pundits of a visual persuasion may be included in any future editions of the award but at present there is no intention to do so. To be nominated for the award, a co-commentator must display ineptitude on a consistent basis and demonstrate the willingness to utilise as little of their perceptive brain as possible. Clichés earn credibility too in the incompetent analysis stakes. The list drawn is then shortlisted and nominations are announced. 2008-09 saw only two make the shortlist but in subsequent editions, this shortlist has been increased first to 3 and with this instalment, there is now a shortlist of 4 nominations.


The 2010-11 edition and previous editions have all been done by a secret ballot to which no one knows anything about. Rumoured voters include Wassily Kandinsky, Oscar Wilde, Jimi Hendrix, Heath Ledger and Albert Einstein [citation needed]. It is believed that the voting system may change for future editions with some favouring an open public vote. Following the 2010-11 award ceremony, organisers admitted that they were looking to make “considerable” and “revolutionary” changes for the 2011-12 edition.


The nominations for the 2010-11 edition were announced on social-networking site Twitter on Sunday 24th April 2011 with the winner announced on Friday 29th April 2011. Those nominated are the following:

Garry Birtles

Chris Coleman

Mark Bright

Kevin Phillips

There were initial rumours of a surprise fifth nomination but nothing materialised, the organisers did say that they had not ruled out further nomination expansion in future editions.

Mark Bright was announced as the winner for the 2010-11 edition, beating the favourite and two-times winner Garry Birtles by a noted margin.

One of the organisers of the award was quick to announce his pleasure at the voted decision:
“Mark Bright is a worthy winner of the Gary Birtles Incompetent Analysis Award. Recent events are felt to have swayed the voting as Bright displayed astounding incompetence in his performance for the Cardiff v Queens Park Rangers game last weekend. Not only was his analysis continually inspired with cliché after cliché, he managed to actually talk down to his perspective audience. That is quite a feat. Of course, the argument could be that Garry (Birtles) has been consistently incompetent for so long that he really should have won and to be honest, i think he would have were it not for Mark Bright showing just why he was in the running. I have to also congratulate the other nominees. Kevin Phillips has a great knack for the cliché that will make him a leading contender for many years to come. While no one will forget (Chris) Coleman’s performance for Wales v England anytime soon”.



Billy Childish

Les Dennis




As if, do you know where you are?

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